PaRt OnE: Outside of your disability, illness, condition, or situation, what do you focus on, where do you find the strength to keep going and nourish your soul?

Don’t forget to submit your post for our blog carnival tomorrow.  I have received one and a half submissions!   Here are the details! Lovely last minute Spoonies there is still time to submit!

 

The question I am posing to you is this (two part question):

Part 1: Outside of your disability, illness, condition, or situation, what do you focus on, where do you find the strength to keep going and nourish your soul?

IF YOU ARE SENSITIVE:  SKIP THIS FIRST PART!  SCROLL DOWN TO THE NEXT ALL CAPS SECTION AND BEGIN THERE!

 

 

Keep in mind what I am talking about here was nearly a year ago in my life.  I have never really shared about it except that it happened.

I don’t know for sure what is in side me that has kept me going.  Only once in my life have I ever thought about giving it all up.  It wasn’t a good feeling.  It felt surreal and like a chemical change had happened in my brain and made it so conclusively final that I was the cause of the suffering of others.  Reality was of course a whole different story.  I had not and was not the cause of the suffering.  I knew this yet the feeling to end things was intense palpable and seemingly unrelenting for a short period of time.

I snapped out of it.  I think had I been any more tired, undernourished or alone than I was in those moments I wouldn’t have.

I was lucky.  I now understand with a greater degree the impulse of the finite action that people take.  I can’t imagine being pummeled with those thoughts on a daily basis.  It truly felt void, hopeless, lacking in all healthy emotion, empty, soulless, and that I was the cause of the destruction that has happened in my life.  The solution was simple…

Reality was and it crept back in that indeed I was not the cause of this.   That things would be better soon, and if something happened to me like this that I truly would be the cause of the devastation, a devastation that would be greater than I had yet seen.

I don’t know for other folks how these thoughts come to them or how they pass.  For me, after a series of things involving my auto accident the one nearly 7 years ago, reality of our situation finally came crashing down upon me.  Jason was not able to be there he had to work.   I am not talking about the specifics of this just yet.  Things are not finished on this arena and I need to know more be for I spill my story completely on the internet.

I am sure that this was some overload of some chemical in my body that affected my brain in such a way that I felt as if there were no other viable options.

I will say that food helped me.  I ate.  I was told to eat.  I was taken home and I rested.  The thoughts had dissipated.  Only lasting an hour or so.  But the emotional and physical drain on me was intense.

I can’t tell you how greatly I feel for those who’s thoughts like this do not dissipate.  I truly felt it was as if I had no control and my senses were on overload.  The thoughts I had were not rational nor were they controllable.

Having gone through years and years and years of counseling prior to my accident for things I will not mention here but things that caused me to have PTSD.  I had never gone through this but I realized what had happened and mid way through the experience of it I was able to have a two sided conversation essentially with myself.

I don’t know how people survive this if they have those thoughts on a daily basis.  I would for surely say that it is a chemical change that happens in your body/brain.  It may be something simple or complex, but it is something real.  Something that has yet to be discovered.

I was lucky.  I plan to never go through that again.

When you finally hear the story, which I hope to be able to tell….  well.  I can’t say what I’ve told you will make sense, but it may put into context what we’ve been going through.   While none of it has been our fault.  It has been our burden.. not just myself but my husband, and my close friends and family who are aware of all of the difficult details and who’ve been vigilantly caring for us through their thoughts prayers and actions.

Ultimately what pulled me through was knowing how much my husband loved me and how much he has never blamed me.  His love allowed me to see through the lies my brain had told me.  What I have felt and how strongly he has stood by my side in an unwavering manner is ultimately what pulled me through.  The lies just couldn’t compete with the reality of my experiences.   I remember thinking about this… reality vs. sickness   Sometimes it can be hard to distinguish.  In this case the distinction was quite clear.  I am so so so grateful to have the most amazing husband who loves me so much.  He has been mad at the situation, at others involved in the situation, but he has never ever blamed any of it on me.  He has never hated me for the hardships that we face.  For the illness that my body has… for the suffering that he endures when I am suffering.  This allowed me to have a saner grip on reality.

If he had planted doubt in me or hate towards me I don’t think it would have been as easy to come out of.

I also think that eating food helped!  =D   I don’t recall if I had eaten that morning, but I now carry food with me in my purse.  Ha!

Those of you know who you are and we are deeply grateful!  It isn’t over yet, but we are in the closing stretch.

So this being said… and this wasn’t where I had intended to start with my carnival post.  But this is where I really did… so please forgive the rough beginning.

 

BEGIN READING HERE FOR THOSE OF YOU WHO ARE SENSITIVE::

Having friends and family around, letting them in and having them be aware of the things going on with you can be the most helpful.  For me and I’d say for us, that has been one of the most important things that has carried us through this.  If you are dealing with an illness, disability, stressful situation, etc.  Let others in.

Don’t go on and on and on with your situation.  I guess that is why I started this blog.  Otherwise I may really go off the deep end telling folks about way to much.  I think it is important to share.  Not to overload.  Yes some days and some things are going to overload people.  If your life truly has that much going on that you are sending everyone around you into overload, you need to either have more people around you some whom you tell this to and others whom you tell that to.

I’ve been fortunate.  Since I have never put my life out there for committee vote, I have always had some friends I have done these things with, some friends I have done those things with, and like wise with family.  It has helped me so much to stay sane.  I often times don’t feel the best friend these days, and before the accident, I don’t feel that I gave my friends an opportunity to really be there for me, I was always there for them.  Most of them anyway.

I think having mutually respectful friendships and relationships has been one of the main things that has kept me going.

Letting my husband know how I was feeling has been a blessing as well.  This blog, has been a great tool in our marriage that has opened up a new arena of communication.

Nourishing my soul comes from purging the troubles and the trials from my mind, and making room for the birds outside my window, the sun shining in.  I don’t watch the news often.  I love facebook (not that facebook is a healthy substitute for outside relationships) it just keeps me connected with what folks I know are doing.

I have fun friends, who I occasionally get to do things with like sit at an outdoor concert, have a glass of wine, or  a chat on the phone.  I like that I can still be there to listen to them, I like that they are there to listen to me.  Friendships true and real friendships don’t fall apart with time or distance.  I am and have been very very fortunate.

I am grateful to have grown up in a place that nourished friendships.  I am thankful that we keep in touch even though it isn’t every week or every month or sometimes even every year!  Even though we live far apart, have different types of lives, and do different types of things, and have different types of families… even from Antarctica!

My husband Jason, Service Dog Luka and the friends we have are what nourish my soul.

There are more things too….

Like Photography.

 

Part 2: What do you occupy your mind, your hands, and your time doing outside of dealing with your disability, illness, condition, or situation?

See the rest of my post tomorrow!

Don’t forget to submit your post for our blog carnival!!

 

Hugs,

Pink Doberman

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