RaMbLiNgS iN tHe MiDdLe Of ThE nIgHt~

As I write this in the middle of the night not being able to sleep yet again. I thought I’d actually take this time to do a little writing.

Yesterday one of my lifetime icons passed away. Oddly enough, other things happened yesterday as well that stick in my mind. Farrah died yesterday, I grew up watching her on Charlies Angel’s and of course was heart broken when she left, I also adore Cheryl Ladd who became her replacement.

For some reason she stuck with me over the years, maybe it was because of her hair… I even have a bust of her that I got as a child, you could cut her hair, and put makeup on her. Looking back that may have been one of the things that made me excited about Mary Kay. I no longer have the makeup that came with her, but of all the childhood toys that I had, that one is the one that I have kept. I kept her and a doll, named Darcy, that doll was a fuller bodied version of a Barbie. Being a big fan of a movie star is something I grew out of pretty rapidly.

There are very few people, let alone movie stars that I have a very deep amount of respect for. I respect many, some of the people that I hold in the highest regard are:

  • my parents, who might not have done everything right, but did their very best raising me.
  • Jason who’s quiet, laid back nature, gives me strength stability, and lots of unconditional love. It is great to be his wife, there is so much to learn from his personal character, that can easily go unnoticed. He is fun, funny, and smart and one of the most outstanding people I know.
  • Mary Kay Ash, she persevered through so many obstacles, and kept a positive attitude and kept trucking along, and she did so by lifting others up along with her. I really admire those qualities.
  • Many other Mary Kay women, including Joyce, Rena, Stacy, Amy, Ava, Trish, Karen, and many more I am sure that I just can’t think of right now. These women strive/strived for excellence, while helping others be their best too. For me things have never been about the money, that was a perk, but when you can help someone else do something they never thought they could do, there is a great joy that grows inside you. Each of these women and many more, helped me grow, not only in my Mary Kay life, but in my personal life.
  • As a child growing up, Icon’s such as Farrah and Suzanne, while playing roles that were stereotypical, would make it work to their advantage, and seemingly come out on top. In their real lives it was harder, the challenges stronger… I am blond, not a bombshell by any means, but blond enough to be stereo typed, and smart enough to realize it. These women were too. While I may not ever agree with every thing anyone does, I admire so much the people who go through this life on their terms, who don’t accept less of themselves, or those around them, who love unconditionally, and accept defeats as growth moments. Both of these women did/do even though I don’t want to walk their path. I am walking my own.
  • Friends Jen and Brent, who also give unconditionally, who teach, encourage, and power through, while doing things right!
  • My sisters and cousin and many more, who, just love me no matter what, even if they might not like me at the time!
  • Jean and Mike, who I would have never chosen to live my life like, but I admired them for their courage walking their own path, even though I believe that it led to their destruction. Neither of them let others put them in a box. They were both profound people, who will be missed as great friends from my childhood.
  • Anita Hill, she stood up, while late, and seemingly without reason at the end… it seemed to me. Except for the fact that just for standing up and saying what happened was wrong, tremendously impacted my life. I knew I could stand up too! I will always be grateful to her.
  • Rosa Parks, she had courage, and strength, at a time when it mattered.
  • Ronald Regan who treasured and valued his wife and her opinions, even in controversy.
  • My Grandmother who even though some would say she had nothing, she had everything!
  • My Granddad, who was wrong about something very important, I loved him more, anyway!
  • …….. the list goes on and on!

I watch so many people who are afraid to live up to their potential. Who won’t grab on to something and stick with it through thick and thin, truly giving something everything they had. They let things inside them stop them, everyone has set backs, but when you let those set backs determine your destiny, I feel sorry for them.

I have been plunking along an unknown path for a while. I had given my Mary Kay business all that I had, even through out the past 5 years, there did come a point a while back where the choices no longer became mine. I had gone as far down the path as I could with out starting almost completely over. I contemplated that, I still do to some degree, wonder, should I start down the path again? I loved it.

Lately I have been feeling compelled to start on a different path. In a Barbra Walters interview, Farrah mentioned having stopped being on the hit show because she became bored, it didn’t stimulate her, it wasn’t pushing her and she wasn’t growing. Or something to that effect. That is something that sticks with me. While I know if I got every thing all lined up again to go down that path, I could do it. Even with the difficulties of the last 5 years.

Physically I would have to have help, I would need a driver, and someone to carry my things, as well as someone to help me remember the little things I seem to forget. But I know how to do it! I know how to teach others to do it, I know how to motivate others. But would I be stimulated enough to be satisfied?

That question along with the resources to actually make my business’s happen to the point of me being satisfied and stimulated is not something that is pursue able at the moment. There is no money for someone to help me do these things, other’s have said, can’t Jason drive me around, yes, and he does! But Jason is very busy doing all that he can just so we can survive, without becoming homeless. When he is not doing that, which isn’t often at all, he needs to rest, or do something that recharges his batteries. If I am going to have a husband that lives long enough to grow old with me, which is what I want, I need to take as good of care of him as I can.

Another thing that happened yesterday, I saw on TV, a mother, fessing up to a hit and run, in which she killed another mother. I don’t know all of the circumstances or anything like that. She turned herself in the day after. She woke up told her children good by, and took herself to the police station. While there is much fault with her driving off. For not sticking around, and for waiting til the next day to turn herself in. She got to say good by to her kids, which is more than the mother she hit with her vehicle got to do.

To say I admire her for pleading guilty, for admitting what she did was wrong… I don’t think admire is the right word at all. I’ve never been in that situation. I pray to God that I never will be in any situation as horrible as that or even close to it. I work very hard not to cause other’s pain. It doesn’t mean I don’t sometimes do things that hurt people, but an intent to damage certainly isn’t there. Things may go through a person’s mind about what to do or not, some of which are not so pleasant.

At any rate. She did turn herself in. In turning herself in she is also admitting what she’s done. She isn’t hiding behind an attorney, or not speaking at all, instead she is talking about it, apologizing for it and being extremely remorseful. I can’t help but think that, but doing that she is also helping herself, helping her family, and most importantly helping the family that she damaged by giving them opportunity to grieve and come to some sort of closure eventually.

Being outraged by someones actions, being repelled by something that someone has done, is easy to do. I have found myself in that situation repeatedly. I am sure I have done things that other’s might find personally or not personally offensive, or at the very least disagreeable to their standards, and values. Each of us is different. We have each been raised differently, we each think differently, we each want different things, and we each value different things.

Thank God for that! Through diversity comes conflict, through diversity also comes understanding and all things good. What is going on in Iran at this moment, is a perfect example, there was a point that people could have agreed to disagree. Transparency, is something that aids in that. Transparency is not at all what is happening there. A huge cover up is taking place. It is damaging to everyone involved, and to the reputations of Islam, and to people on both sides. While I am not a believer in Islam, many of the things I do understand about it, would lead me to believe that this is not the way things should be worked out according to it.

Sometimes, things become so painful, so personally hitting home, that while there is forgiveness, what has been done, seems so personally painful, that whom ever created that action may be pushed away, or not allowed back in a close manner into someones life. I find that I do this. For me not because there isn’t forgiveness, or understanding, but through learning from my past, letting people back into my life who’ve caused damage, I have found for me not to be healthy for me to function. Hurt me once… you will be kept at arms distance. Do something that hurts me me deeply… you will be out of my daily life. I don’t function well, around people whom I don’t trust. I am not at my best, there for I can’t give my best. I don’t want to be on guard with people, I do not feel free to live my life if I feel as if I have to be looking for ways to protect myself from someone else’s actions or words.

It doesn’t mean I don’t want the best for them. Or that I don’t forgive them for things. Or in some cases, it is just an agree to disagree issue, that hits to close to home for me. People can change, people can learn from their mistakes, they can grow, and they can move on. I make mistakes, as everyone does. While I don’t like admitting when I’ve made a mistake, if I feel as if I have made a mistake, you will get an I am sorry I made a mistake. This is difficult for me to do, but I feel worse knowing someone else might be hurting from something I have done.

They can choose to accept my apology or not, either way. That is out of my control, but doing what I can control is all that I can ask of myself. That is all I believe anyone can do.

There was a person who caused my accident almost 5 years ago. I know he didn’t mean to. From the moment I saw him pull out in front of me, there was no anger directed at him from me. I am angry that this happened to me, I am frustrated, I feel helpless, I feel emotional and physical pain. I feel the most pain for Jason who has to helplessly watch as I suffer. Having watched many people in my life suffer through physical challenges, I understand some of the frustration and anger that he feels.

This year coming up is hard for me. This was to be the year that I retired him. Or at least gave him the financial freedom to stop working if he chose to. I was working a plan, our debt would have been gone, I figured with the growth my three business’s were experiencing even on a conservative track, that the debt would have been gone, and I would have been earning on a very consistent basis more than we were both bringing in at the time of the accident.

While I was never one of those people who were going to shoot to the top, I was consistently improving, step by step, day by day, and dollar by dollar. Even in today’s economy, the businesses that I had are excelling. I would have had at least 2 offspring directors in Brasil, and a much larger unit here in the US if not a director or two. I was building my way to the top of the Mary Kay system. I wasn’t doing it for the money, but I was doing it for the choices that I could offer my family.

Offering Jason the opportunity to work or not was something we’d talked about, something we were both working for. One of our girls is now a director in Brasil, we are so proud of her! She did it anyway. The two that I had selected to work with in Brasil, are both Directors! I am so proud! My girls did it! I helped them create a stronger future for themselves. I wish I could continue to be a part of it! I was able to help others as well. I feel great about that too!

There are so many things that I feel bad about, that were out of my control. I am one by one letting them go. Coming to terms with their death if you will, and building my life in other directions.

I don’t give up, that is something that has made this transition so hard for me. I work very hard to see things through. It isn’t something that comes naturally or easy for me. But it is a commitment that I made to myself. I think it is one of the things I value most about myself. It is also the thing I value so much in others as well! Farrah did not give up! I am not either, I am just transitioning! When life gives you lemons pucker up! It might be sour but it won’t last long and you’ll be better for it!

I guess I am choosing to head down a different path now. I will keep my Mary Kay Client business as long as my clients want me! I love my MK Clients! I love playing with colors, helping them meet their skin care needs and hearing what is going on with them! I really love Mary Kay the company! So I plan to stay affiliated!

But I am shifting gears, and I am going to start focusing on something new. Not for money, but just as Mary Kay products helped me, and the company did too! Because Isagenix has also made a significant change in my life! I feel compelled to share this as well. Even though in the beginning I had no intention of promoting it at all.

I will share about anything in my life if asked, and I am in a safe environment. I hold no secret that I would never share. I may not like sharing somethings, but if I see how my sharing something painful to me may be able to help someone else. I owe it to those around me to share. I wish so many others before me had shared, had spoken up, instead of remaining silent. I would have been stronger for it. I am so grateful for those who did! For the women who demanded more, for those doing it their way, for value being given when it wasn’t popular, and for having the courage to fail over and over again on their way to success.

I think about the accident every time I see a car sitting on my right waiting to pull out. Whether I am driving or not. The emotions I was feeling when he did pull out happen to me over and over again each time that happens. The sinking feeling the bracing feeling, the feeling of having done all I could but knowing it was still going to happen anyway. All of it comes flooding back in a split second. I see his face when he realizes I am right there and going to hit his car. He pulled out so fast, everything I had in me was trying to change destiny. While I was doing nothing wrong, I wasn’t speeding in fact my foot had already been on the break, getting ready to go back to the gas at the top of the hill… when we collided it felt as if all forward momentum, shot back into my body as we went the few feet to the corner curb, and what hadn’t gone through my body in stopping had gone into his car as I hit his car just behind his body square on.

Should old people be allowed to drive? That is a question I certainly don’t have the answer too. Having had my freedom taken away, I understand all to well the helplessness a person would feel, as they would not have that privilege any longer. I can also understand the compulsion to do it anyway, but the guilt I would have if something went wrong is for me much stronger. Everyone is different, everyone has good days and bad.

Should that mother who hit the other mother have been driving that day? Should she have whipped a Uie among other undetermined factors? Hind site would say no! Should all of those people who talk on their phones, and pull out in front of people while doing so be driving? Or the person who’s eating, or feeling ill? How about the driver who hasn’t slept, or drank just a little? What about the person who had a heart attack while driving? Or the one who chose not to renew their insurance? Motorcycles? Should kids be allowed to drive souped up cars? What if you are driving in icy conditions? Or rainy ones? How about the person who is doing everything correct, and still ends up the one injured in an accident?

I don’t have the answers! I know people who’ve been in all of these situations!

If you are driving a car, or in a car or standing around moving cars you are at risk. That is why we are all supposed to have insurance. Accident’s happen, and when they do, if you accidentally did something wrong you are able to do something to set it somewhat right.

I am thankful to the man who hit me and came to check on me even though his own head was bleeding. My door wouldn’t open but my window would. He apologized and I said it would be ok, and please go sit down and let someone help him.

I am sure he hit his head on the drivers side window, as he was looking directly at me a 1/2 second before we collided and then his car continued to shoot off into the street behind me with his foot on the gas and any momentum I had left when we collided. I don’t know how far he was behind me. I never could see. I couldn’t turn to look it wouldn’t work and my body was going all numb, and tingly. The police officer helped me with my drawing later, and that part was over.

I to some degree feel as helpless as I did the moment after the collision. Still stunned at the turn of events. I’ve accepted them. I am doing all that I can. I have often wondered about him. My heart hurts for him. I am sure it was unintentional that day on his part. I still can’t help but wonder, was he on any medications, was he having a bad day, had he been distracted by something that happened earlier, was he too old to be driving… or were there other factors??? Does it matter? Would it change anything? No it wouldn’t. For me it would change nothing. I hope for his emotional sake it was as simple as him not looking both directions in a timely manner before pulling out infront of me. As that alone is more guilt than I would ever want, and would wish on anyone.

Everyone has done something that there are consequenses for. While I don’t like going through some of the consequenses I’ve gone through, I hope to learn from them and grow, so I don’t repeat them and I can move on.

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